"Are you running away?"
"No. I am running towards myself."
This is a question I have been asked by a few people and one I have asked myself for many years.
I find myself seeking refuge in the future, looking forward to what comes next. This may result in looking towards what hasn’t happened in order to validate my insecurities and quench my desperate thirst for something more. Although I seem to crave change and spontaneity, I also fear it, I avoid it and I dance around it like a beach side fire; Waving my fists, inching closer to the flame but keeping a safe distance. When I do go for it though, I really go. I leave. I face forward and I rarely look back. All these years I thought I was running away from my past, from pain, from self-inflicted criticism and indecision…I now realize I was and still am running, towards myself, searching high and low for the woman I want to become. I am seeking myself in new places, trying new things to test my willingness and my ability to adapt, to understand, to see more clearly, and to develop myself as an artist, an intellectual, a friend and a human. That is a wonderful realization, it calms me in knowing there is nothing I have to run from but everything I want to run towards…
…Starting over, being single, moving, trying a new sport, meeting strangers, eating bizarre food, asking the hard questions, applying for jobs, navigating the roads, sleeping in your car, climbing a mountain, writing down your dreams, calling an old friend, asking for help, standing up for yourself, smiling fearlessly, crying when necessary, begin told ‘No’, getting my heart smushed, first dates, sleeping with the wrong person, stumbling on words, being rejected, holding someones hand, sharing a secret, facing the facts, calling your mom for advice, telling them your scared shitless, owning up to your mistakes, believing in love, trusting your gut, losing your phone and your wallet and your keys and getting your car towed twice in one month, falling asleep at the wheel, butt dialing your ex, making decisions, asking for a raise, reading too many books, avoiding your bills, car insurance, paying attention, networking, stopping and listening…
All of these are simultaneously happening….fleeting or not they are a part of our growth. The small things to the big ones from the mundane to the epically powerful, they all play a role in our unique human experience. Shaping our ideas, our ideology and our future selves.
I am practicing being present now more than ever. N O W. Right now. Although I am anxious to move in another direction, to contribute to the world in a fresh new way, to explore more avenues that may kick my ass and toss me into bewilderment…Right now, at this very small moment, I A M.
I am calm, I am still, I am exactly where I need to be. This small moment of pure existence is actually big and bold and can last longer than I ever imagined. I am practicing patience with the universe, with people and with time. In this moment it is ok to just be…to sit with my anxiety, my creativity, my spurts of song and incantations, my curiosity and need to connect.
Right now I A M.
Filling ourselves up with the moment is necessary. Taking the time to absorb the small sounds that dictate our worlds, to listen to the voices, the songs, the invasive murmurs, to mother earth and then to release them back to where they belong. Hear them without owning them, appreciate them without judging them. We sit with ourselves after a long day, a hard day, a fantastic day, a simple day, remind yourself to exist now without any judgement of the past, of the future and to embrace your solitude as it exists now. We will never get this moment back, make it great, make it count.
Meditation reminds me to chase my dreams but don’t lose sight of the journey. It is an extraordinary thing to accept where you are and to know you are ok, right now in this moment. Even if all seems lost and the journey becomes thick with disillusion. Finding my footing on rocky ground and pushing myself to become myself is the most monumental thing I can possibly do.
I am not running from my past, I am running towards myself…
Pt. Dume, Malibu CA
N A M A S T E